A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman is one who will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him alittle. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman; before marriage - and after marriage. Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing. The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. Men & Women Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime WORDS WOMEN USE: FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. WHATEVER It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!