* The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. * If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. * Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. * Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. * Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. * A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. * It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. * Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. * If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. * The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. * Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. * A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. * Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. * Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.